How I Got Emotional Intelligence Wrong

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Charisma on Command

Жилийн өмнө

Since this video was published, we've made some changes and we no longer offer the Emotional Mastery program year round. If you want to know the next time Emotional Mastery is available, you can join our email list on our website
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Emotional intelligence is an interesting subject
What does it even mean to be “emotionally intelligent?”
I’ve gone through most of my life feeling pretty great!
I would never blow up on people and I’d hardly get angry
Yes I’d get sad here and there but for the most part I felt happy and excited
Although that was how I truly felt, the methods, mindsets and techniques I learned were simply unsustainable most of the time
So we’re going to dive into where I’m at now and dissecting the flaws of my past approaches
00:40 - Point #1: Flawed Perspective: The Control Aspect
04:40 - Point #2: Suppressing Emotions Doesn’t Work Long Term
11:54 - My Skin Care Routine
#EmotionalIntelligence #CharismaOnCommand #SelfDevelopment
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Instagram: @IamBenAltman

MadnessEye Ковид XIX
MadnessEye Ковид XIX 13 цагийн өмнө
Many thanks to the author. I am grateful with all my heart. I am from Russia and do not know English. I watch the channel on MNpost "Искусство харизмы". Nice to watch you. You instill optimism in life. (text generated google translate)))))
Mattias Grutop
Mattias Grutop 4 өдрийн өмнө
"They come home and they kick the dog. This is what we all do"
Erik Swiger
Erik Swiger 15 өдрийн өмнө
Embracing the shadow within, as your own, is the true definition of enlightenment. It doesn't mean we act on all our dark thoughts, but it means that we're aware of them and we don't deny them. Jordan Peterson says we are all capable of becoming Nazis that shoot pregnant women in the back of the head. And he's right.
DJ162 22 өдрийн өмнө
Would It work if i were to try to invest my happiness by investing it for a later time?😂
John Charles Roberts
John Charles Roberts 28 өдрийн өмнө
But, I have never really seen my repressed emotions manifest in any way that I know of.
John Charles Roberts
John Charles Roberts 28 өдрийн өмнө
I believe that I may have always repressed emotions, and I'm not completely sure how to stop.
UselessCompanion 29 өдрийн өмнө
Damn that makes a lot of sense to me thank you this video helps a lot
Vincent 2 сарын өмнө
Hey ! Charlie mentions gratitude excerices. Is there a video where this concept is developed ? Thx, I'm grateful
Sausage Grilled-ona-barbi
Sausage Grilled-ona-barbi 2 сарын өмнө
Mate, thank you so much that clears so much up. I wish I knew that a year ago makes sense now
Daniel Starr
Daniel Starr 3 сарын өмнө
Stoicism: repress, be polite, then pound a couple beers before yelling like Goku. This is the only way.
Sofia Rotellini
Sofia Rotellini 3 сарын өмнө
Charlie! i can never thank you enough. i believe this is one of the more important videos I've seen on your channel, it opened up a whole world that was unknown to me but that can truly be the key to happiness and contentment. i am surely going to practice my emotional intelligence from now on. thank you so much!
Maik Wokwik
Maik Wokwik 4 сарын өмнө
Thank you. Something was off with Me the past few weeks, and i imagined that i repressed a certain feeling Or memory. It was actually My hatred for My colleagues at work that i forgot. Ive Been there for 2.5 years to finish my traineeship (around 5 months to Go), but i resent every aspect of it. I started playing nice at some Point, to not get into Trouble, but at some point it looks like i decieved myself into thinking that "its not thaaaat Bad", which simply isnt the case. Good Video, never imagined i would find My answer here, for a question i couldnt even articulate. You helped me a Lot, thanks My friend :)
Donald Osongo
Donald Osongo 4 сарын өмнө
Kindly do one for emotional maturity
Donald Osongo
Donald Osongo 4 сарын өмнө
This the best psychology lesson, that induces high self-esteem.... Thumbs up!!!
Knownasbomb 4 сарын өмнө
Guy ur so good. U should be invincible with everyday challenges
Knownasbomb 4 сарын өмнө
Also, i know this isnt true. The more u know, the more u owe. But there's a good side tho not a doubled edged sword type of thing
samboyaus 4 сарын өмнө
This is a tricky one for me. I think I used to supress my emotions when I was younger but as I've gotten a bit older and understood myself better, I've learnt to accept that I am quite an emotional person, but I still don't know if I manage them properly. I've cried at work when dealing with difficult people, and it does not help the situation. I don't believe I said or did anything inappropriate when I got emotional like this, but I know it makes people uncomfortable and makes them think that I'm overly sensitive or can't handle pressure. To anyone reading this comment, how do you balance not supressing your emotions, but also not overtly expressing them in inappropriate ways?
KJ Cabrera
KJ Cabrera 4 сарын өмнө
In my experience you don't try to blow it all out in one moment - which was also one of my flaws before. I learned to somehow take all of whatever emotion that is you want to let go into one ball. But instead of letting it loose all at once, you can divide it up into little pieces, then let those pieces go one by one each day, convincing yourself that "It's okay to be angry this week", or it's "okay to be sad this 2 next weeks", because it is indeed okay to feel those things. However, if those emotions are connected to someone, you might need to confront or tell them someday about it. Otherwise that ball of emotional repression will keep coming back over.
Daisy Daisy
Daisy Daisy 4 сарын өмнө
Snairdie 4 сарын өмнө
You're right! It makes me toxic positive cause I neglect this emotions. Maybe it's time to embrace them. The part where you're not laughing at his joke anymore is so accurate. I always thought there was something more in positivity and this was it, acknowledging your negative emotions on someone and giving them a time to shine but in a healthy way.
Xplicit M.C
Xplicit M.C 5 сарын өмнө
You know, this reminds me of a movie I watched late at night where a woman murdered another woman she’d envied and long story short, she was all happy at a panoramic rising sunshine scene as if she finally released it lol, I think it was a comedy, but a dark one.
Nulliverse 5 сарын өмнө
Be aware of your own thoughts, be aware that certain emotion is happening and see it from observer perspective. You can react to your anger ,it's normal, but you have control to just see it as a neutral thing and obeserve it instead of react to it
June Lam
June Lam 5 сарын өмнө
What are some ways to increase your IQ score over 15 points? I read plenty of good opinions on the net about how exactly Rotogenflux Methods can help you improve your IQ in a short period of time. Has anybody tried using this iq course?
Ethan Smith
Ethan Smith 5 сарын өмнө
Heard more true expression in that 13 minute youtube clip than I've heard in person over the past two years. Just wow.
Avesta Alamgiralam
Avesta Alamgiralam 5 сарын өмнө
C: And we kick the dog, we all do it Me: You do you
Son Goku
Son Goku 5 сарын өмнө
We drank we fought we made our ancestors proud
Olga S.
Olga S. 5 сарын өмнө
It is surprising how ppl around you can support or even enforce the repression (bc. they are uncomfortable with certain emotions, or even genuinely want to help). I remember complaining to all my friends about a breakup. One of them (on the first day) told me (in an almost ordering manner) "don't be sad". At that moment I found it utterly frustrating, almost as if she was denying me the right to feel, what I thought was absolutely appropriate. But even after explaining to her that it was a process, one has to go through and I couldn't just switch it off she insisted on it.
Lisa LPH
Lisa LPH 5 сарын өмнө
IMHO, it's better to journal alone than to have a confrontational discussion with a friend in an effort to do this self exploration of negative feelings.
Carrie Kay
Carrie Kay 5 сарын өмнө
Omg, this has hit home in a big way! Being in a relationship where I couldn't figure out why I was feeling numbed out by a partner who suppresses emotions. I was shamed for being authentic, but yet I was dying inside with an overwhelming feeling of "Something isn't right here, why do I want to run from this person?" It was suffocating, and I thought I was a terrible person for feeling this perpetual angst. This video gave me the ability to breathe again! I am amazed. I thought I would never get free, but I did. I'll never go back to being emotionally suffocated.
Ileana Mendoza
Ileana Mendoza 5 сарын өмнө
I notice many people keep on speaking about Rotogenflux Methods. But I'm not sure if it is good. Have you ever tried using this intelligence boost system?
eva wasnik
eva wasnik 5 сарын өмнө
Can v marry 💍?
Gordana Čupković
Gordana Čupković 5 сарын өмнө
You are wonderful. Thank you for your work, you're making a difference, you beautiful man. Lots of love.
Zoie Spencer
Zoie Spencer 5 сарын өмнө
One of the most aggravating feelings ever, is when you are being pelted with little nuances everyday, until years later, when you finally had enough and give an outburst- you finally get to exhaust all your ire, and yet everyone only thinks that whatever has been done wrong, was too minor to be a big deal. My only advice? Be a non-political, unreligious Christian (yes, those kinds of people, DO exist), who likes to drown in coffee and Owl City tracks.
Lauren Conrad
Lauren Conrad 5 сарын өмнө
As a person who has been in cognitive behavioral therapy for years, I know that as humans, we have irrational feelings all the time. But it helps to know where those irrational feelings come from because they all come from somewhere. If you're angry at that other person talking to your best friend for no clear reason, that might be because you're jealous of the attention that your friend gets and that stems from being bullied and rejected by other kids as a child. Don't shame yourself for feeling angry. Just acknowledge your feelings, take a few deep breaths, and get to know your friend's new friend before you proceed to judge anyone. But know that your own past hurt is justified even if it doesn't directly impact this situation unless you let it.
Doctor Shell
Doctor Shell 6 сарын өмнө
We need to drop the word “should” from our language.
Aquarellina 6 сарын өмнө
This is extremely helpful. We can't bury our emotions we have to get them out somewhere, at least in a journal or let that person know how we felt
Micah J Hoffman
Micah J Hoffman 6 сарын өмнө
You’re like a young Fr. Mike Schmitz from the Ascension Presents YT channel.
Sokchhay Heng
Sokchhay Heng 6 сарын өмнө
i dont see the link to the free writing and meditation link. anyone can help
Lethabo 6 сарын өмнө
fam you do look 22🤯🤯
Lydia Alexian
Lydia Alexian 6 сарын өмнө
What do you prioritize, talking rationally or acting rationally? If acting rationally is more important to you then maybe you have to talk, feel and express yourself "irrationally" in order to allow yourself to act rationally.
Michael Alber
Michael Alber 6 сарын өмнө
Not recognizing your emotions is not recognizing who you are. You are living in a dream world and need to work with your emotions. It's part of being human. Eventually those emotions will come out if you try to repress them.
Angela C
Angela C 6 сарын өмнө
Thank you for this. I started crying during the video, thinking of all the times I rationalized my way through anger and hurt. This really changed how I view emotional intelligence
Katie Gray
Katie Gray 6 сарын өмнө
Wow. I have never related to something more.
Jim B
Jim B 6 сарын өмнө
What's missing from this conversation is the spectrum of emotional intensity and emotional depths that are available (it hasn't been mapped and is probably infinite). Some experience things with more complexity and feel more intensely. Your road to self-mastery will be a different one than those that have less depths to navigate. It takes all types. No one is wrong or superior here. Humanity benefits from the diversity of wiring that is displayed throughout humandom. Emotional mastery (just like enlightenment) is not a permanent state one achieves and then never loses. We are ever-expanding and mutating beings who remain mysteries to ourselves even as we gather self-knowledge and awareness. It's not like a diploma that can't be taken away from you. Enjoy and savor the plateaus you reach, but don't fool yourself into thinking you've got it all figured out. Get comfortable in the never-ending field of consciousness and the great mystery of it all. Efficiency is one of the sacred cows of capitalism and this speaker seems to express frustration of the discovery that emotions can't be made to serve extrinsic demands of the external forces that want us to perform like robots. There's nothing wrong with striving to perform well and achieve through self-mastery, but you are not a robot and never will be. Be welll!
Shelea Harris
Shelea Harris 6 сарын өмнө
Lol yes I forget that you're older than you look
General Zimmer
General Zimmer 6 сарын өмнө
I wish I saw this video years ago when I hadn't realized this myself...
Gabriel Fifield
Gabriel Fifield 6 сарын өмнө
I got the chills at a point during the video. I realized that maybe I have a lot of things inside me that I don't even know are there.
KianaRio 6 сарын өмнө
oh cause of this video I started to read a book "Radical honesty" and I just finished the introduction, which I can agree with autor so much, I've been in psychoterapy for 2 years and it helped me a lot. Idk if I should countinue to read this book, I'm afraid it may break my secure thing in my head which is anyway fragile.
well yeah
well yeah 7 сарын өмнө
He is like he's own psychologist
Lyfee Lai
Lyfee Lai 7 сарын өмнө
Thank you very much for the advice. I called out on a friend for his behaviour and felt frustrated with myself afterwards. Maybe it's also good for me to express my feelings.
David Po
David Po 7 сарын өмнө
What you do is more important than what you feel. Feelings are valid, but actions are forever. You can never fully control your heart, sometimes it will just do things wrong because humans are imperfect. Also you don't make a kid say they're sorry because they have to really feel sorry for their actions, you do it to teach the kid to do the right thing even when they don't feel like it. Also for your story at 5:34, isn't it better that your feelings came out as "not laughing" and "not calling him" instead of blowing up in his face? One, the consequences can ruin a friendship; the second, the consequences are felt mostly by you, and he might not have even noticed the negativity.
Marcus Julian
Marcus Julian 8 сарын өмнө
I appreciate your honesty, to make yourself vulnerable just to help other people. The moment I realized I was suppressing those negative emotions was a deep one. First youre tough, youre strong you can handle all that people throw at you. Then people think its okay to treat you bad because you never let them know what bothers you. Time passes and you experience a loss of control over yourself, youre easy to trigger and your suppressed emotions explodes like a volcano. From this state, without adressing and working on your feelings, it only gets worse. The absolute most basic step to get over this is to be brutally honest to yourself. Accept the fact you have this vicious, narrow-minded thoughts and emotions. You are a human being, it is absolutely okay to have these. Everyone has these to a certain degree. Get to know them. Take your time to fully understand where they truly have their roots. You need to adress the problem first before you are able to work in it.
Savannah Roshan Hayworth-Weste
Savannah Roshan Hayworth-Weste 8 сарын өмнө
I feel like often times anger is misunderstood. It can be a good emotion at times. Getting pissed about injustice leads to justice, frustration over something tedious and time consuming leads to innovation , becoming bitter when things arent going your way leads to finding a better way. I fought so hard against my anger for so long trying to suppress it deeper and deeper behind a sweet smile until the day that same smile became seething. I couldn’t do it anymore. I had to find an out lit some way that wasn’t myself or others. And that’s when I found... Punk Rock. Wailing on my bass guitar or screaming lyrics at the top of my lungs was the only other thing that satisfied my anger. Because of this, my anger became songs. And therefore something positive. Anger is possibly one of the most powerful emotions (it is one of the seven deadly sins), and something that powerful should be used for good. If you are mad, it means you care. Go do something about it (in a healthy way).
Gabriella Powell
Gabriella Powell 8 сарын өмнө
Very helpful , I really appreciate these videos they help me make important life decisions
Ernest Mallory
Ernest Mallory 8 сарын өмнө
Its still shock me just how lots of people have no idea about Rotogenflux Methods although many people improve their IQ in a short period of time with it. Thanks to my mate who told me about this. I have my IQ score increased over 15 points.
David Lemon jelly
David Lemon jelly 8 сарын өмнө
David Lemon jelly
David Lemon jelly 8 сарын өмнө
Edupardo98 8 сарын өмнө
tolkarius58 8 сарын өмнө
different book, elephant is from Jonathan Haidt not Kahnemann
Star Smoke
Star Smoke 9 сарын өмнө
Suppressing Emotions was my coping mechanism growing up in a toxic home, now that coping mechanism is ruining my life. Huh, ironic, way to brain, way to go..... :/
Katherine Kaye Rodriguez
Katherine Kaye Rodriguez 9 сарын өмнө
1. Create space (Radical Honesty) 2. External 3. Experiential aspect of Emotional Intelligence
Alfateh Yusof
Alfateh Yusof 9 сарын өмнө
is it okay to express emotions in the situation in a calm manner?
H2O Gaming
H2O Gaming 9 сарын өмнө
Omg I needed this!!
Ryan West
Ryan West 9 сарын өмнө
I really, _really_ love these videos where you turn your formidable psychological expertise inward, towards yourself, and demonstrate the subtle distinction between knowledge and knowing.
Brays1994 9 сарын өмнө
This video is so me it almost made me cry. Thank you.
Sidnei Viana
Sidnei Viana 9 сарын өмнө
What is the best way to increase my IQ of 23 points? I read plenty of superb reviews on the net about how exactly Rotogenflux Methods can help you improve your IQ in a short period of time. Has any one tried using this intelligence boost program?
Nicolás Ejarbe
Nicolás Ejarbe 9 сарын өмнө
Muy buen video, thank you
Jackson Mcilroy
Jackson Mcilroy 9 сарын өмнө
this kills the law of attraction 😅
Constantina Liebeskind
Constantina Liebeskind 9 сарын өмнө
This was by FAR the most eye opening video for me!!! Thank you.. getting that book right this minute to further investigate that issue
A B 9 сарын өмнө
This man is literally describing me
Bloodwest 9 сарын өмнө
You can't always express your actual emotions on every whim, this might ruin other people's mood and their opinion about you (including those you care about). Imagine adult man keeps showing his frustration with unpleasant situation like a mere crybaby. You must be in control of your emotions but not totally suppress them, that's the thing about Emotional Intelligence, you are Emotional but in a smart, Intelligent way.
William Powell
William Powell 9 сарын өмнө
Speak the truth in love
William Powell
William Powell 9 сарын өмнө
“I resent you for...” that’s scary, and a way to alienate folks.
Tavo Lemus
Tavo Lemus 9 сарын өмнө
Great video
Alicia Prince
Alicia Prince 9 сарын өмнө
Just recklessly and selfishly unleashing anger onto someone is not fair and hard to do anyways, so I agree with his guidance on not being repressive; they are two different things. Processing emotions can be constructive - wish we all practiced it. Thank you !
Jack McCabe
Jack McCabe 10 сарын өмнө
God bless you for your work. My shadow is....very hard for me to comprehend and relatively rare, when I talk to people in full honesty. It's very hard for me to deal with sometimes...this time exactly. Thank you
StrawberryDreams 10 сарын өмнө
Bruh, this is my life too. xD I've only started learning how to express more honestly negative emotions with the people who make me upset. Now the people around me I know care about me, and want to know if I'm upset, when I'm upset, so they can make things right. Exactly as I would want the chance as well.
Bob Richard
Bob Richard 10 сарын өмнө
the ramblings of a passive-aggressive
Melle Yang
Melle Yang 10 сарын өмнө
Serendipitously, I needed to hear this. I grew up suppressing my emotions as a survival tactic against my abuser. But now in my later adult life, I need to rewire everything, because those survival tactics no longer serve me. Thank you for your sincerity.
Joelenne Revak
Joelenne Revak 10 сарын өмнө
Thank you for your candidness! I just came across your channel and this is my favorite video so far. I study how our emotions are harbored in our body/how to release them and this was sooo refreshing to hear a guy’s perspective on it all. Your ability to really read people and give real examples of how they can relate to others is quite a gift. And what you did here was pure genius, even if it was a little scary on sharing a personal perspective and story. In the words of Kyle Cease, it makes you relatable, more likable, and very brave. Im watching why you broke w your girlfriend next but already crushing hard if you dont have a new gf😝! Thank you for sharing your gift with the world. The best thing we have is the ability to connect with others. Such an incredible vision to help others do that.
Aleko117 10 сарын өмнө
You have the Joker type of smile. I dig it lol
SANDY C. EDEN 10 сарын өмнө
Thank you. Grateful for your fun video. I am in agreement but within reason. If one feels a negative emotion due to a situation then one must express it with kindness. One can do that. So whatever emotion happens in this case, do not supress it but express it in a way that all can understand kindly with good solid fact to back it up as to why. Do not ever hurt anyone or anything. No reason if your emotional intelligence and social intelligence attached with kindness are as one with good solid fact. Use that to express positive input from a negative emotion as well one can use that energy to relate to others how it all makes them feel and truely listen with empathy and kindness and care. Then one can use all that energy for excerise instead.😊 Turn a negative energy into a positive. Just thought I would mention. And Thank you.😊💞👍👍
Kevin Curry
Kevin Curry 10 сарын өмнө
Hi Charlie I would counsel being careful about breaking social rules and telling people your negative feelings about them. I think that approach will often end badly. There is no such thing as a safe space to do this in, that is an illusion. It is far better just to be well mannered and considerate and deal with one's own negative thoughts in private. I don't think denying negative thoughts is good but it is expecting too much of others to push the burden of dealing with these outward onto them. In our society, we see things always from the standpoint of the personal and individual. Concern for the group or family first and taking a helicopter view of a situation I think is a better way to defuse feelings and give oneself a sense of proportion.
Abigail Borduin
Abigail Borduin 10 сарын өмнө
"Repressing emotions will come back to haunt you. They look for justifiable ways to express themselves." Damn. That hit home.
thebuddahmain 10 сарын өмнө
One of my favorite things is the title of this video. You do a wonderful job of being self aware, being honest, and taking self responsibility.
Jasmin Schmitz
Jasmin Schmitz 10 сарын өмнө
This is a brilliant video. Thanks Charlie and Ben and everybody doing this Channel. This is so important! :)
sethno1brewer 11 сарын өмнө
The problem with those people that 'make it til you fake it' end up being those that I have no respect for, as they have got to where they are not by being good at what they do, studied for, experienced but by blagging out their existence until they become your superior.
Murray Moore
Murray Moore 11 сарын өмнө
MA Da 11 сарын өмнө
well shoot, had i known this 5 years ago
Mahammadou Tunkara
Mahammadou Tunkara 11 сарын өмнө
Thank you
Margaret Thatcher
Margaret Thatcher Жилийн өмнө
This is why if someone pisses me off, I get pissed and I will only apologise when I feel the need to do so.
fumomo fumosarum
fumomo fumosarum Жилийн өмнө
that's a bit problematic in my environment...
Flicker FX
Flicker FX Жилийн өмнө
Inspirational as heck
Matt Bonneville
Matt Bonneville Жилийн өмнө
Try not resolving anger and frustration in a relationship. You will eventually act out on it.
NeyBliK Жилийн өмнө
good video oldman
Hanis87 231
Hanis87 231 Жилийн өмнө
This was me since my childhood. I never get angry, i am so calm and cool. Then i suffer with loads of unreleased anger...and get into depression. Thanks for discussing this topics. It helps.
Its Møøn_
Its Møøn_ Жилийн өмнө
When he got real and he showed how nice he is “you can get it in form you want”
FaeKween Жилийн өмнө
I don't understand.....Like I get it I guess? But hiding my emotions has kept me from having more pain. Expressing myself just brings pain
MrThat0neperson Жилийн өмнө
The end of this reminds me of the book Tuesdays With Morrie and how he states that you can't be afraid to let yourself feel something (in his case it was him not ignoring his fear of impending death), and that once you've let it in you can begin to process and take control over it.
GogFather Жилийн өмнө
Such an awesome vid, literally gone through all you described over a year ago and came to the same realisation
Edlyn Gomez
Edlyn Gomez Жилийн өмнө
Why kick a dog?
Caleb Stewart
Caleb Stewart Жилийн өмнө
Thank you so much for this video I just broke it off with a girl that I've been with for 6 years we where engaged and have a son together and I honestly think this is where we went wrong we would do things that upset the other but we didn't ever deal with it at that moment we let it fester under the surface and we would take it out on each other in other ways but I guess I never really thought about it at the time
E. Wesley
E. Wesley Жилийн өмнө
i wonder what would happen when "ownage pranks" called
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