3 Signs You Are People Pleasing (And How To Stop)

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Charisma on Command

Жилийн өмнө

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This video seems quite hypocritical, especially on this channel.
Mainly because we talk a lot about impressing others, how to seem cool, confident and general tips to increase your charisma.
However, there is a fine line between genuine charisma and people pleasing, and the latter is exactly what we DON’T want.
So today, let’s dive into the subtle signs of people pleasing that you are likely doing so we can solve them and crush them for good!
0:34 - Sign #1: Mismatch Between What You’re Saying And What You’re Thinking
1:43 - Sign #2: Setting Up “Covert Contracts”
2:53 - Sign #3: Difference In Behaviour Between Groups
4:18 - Solution #1: Listen To Your Internal Voice
5:12 - Solution #2: Be Creative In Expressing Your Real Self
6:05 - Solution #3: Pay Attention To Consistent Personality Traits
7:25 - How To Make An Amazing First Impression
#PeoplePleasing #CharismaOnCommand #SelfDevelopment
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Lea Jacobson
Lea Jacobson Сарын өмнө
You can't just teach someone to be charismatic. So much depends on their childhood. If they were abused, it is highly unlikely that they will ever be charismatic. This channel is nonsense.
Aerociviz Nicholas
Aerociviz Nicholas Сарын өмнө
I've always had an inkling that I was a pure people pleaser in life and after taking it seriously for a moment (I've been really into self improvement the past few months) and watching a couple videos it's like so apparent that I'm ashamed of myself haha. I remember at times I'd question my own interests and ask myself "Did I actually like this thing or did I just want to like this thing to be accepted?" Many things ended up getting thrown out like videogames, books, music CDs, etc. because I figured out I actually didn't like them. Sometimes I've felt like I've said stuff too often while immediately feeling some internal conflict or guilt/regret that I've actually questioned if I even know what I actually like or what kind of person I really am. After watching another video it's apparent that it's come from experience with one of my parents. Thanks for making this video man, this is one of the first stepping stones in helping me figure out this issue with myself!
Waleed M
Waleed M 3 сарын өмнө
Perfect video I needed
Loiu Series
Loiu Series 3 сарын өмнө
Talk about giving value!! You would be a great mentor!! Amazing stuff!!!
Lucas Wick
Lucas Wick 3 сарын өмнө
I am a people pleaser, hate it, going to change it.
Andrew S
Andrew S 4 сарын өмнө
Dude Step #1: "Mismatch Between What You’re Saying And What You’re Thinking" Thats basically my life
Victory90 4 сарын өмнө
If you are people pleaser, *REMEMBER* you are that person who will *SUFFER* later!
walt Cruz
walt Cruz 5 сарын өмнө
When you make a MNpost video so the people staying at your house can see it and stay at a hotel instead
Jamie Cee49
Jamie Cee49 5 сарын өмнө
Here I am doing it again. Cause I feel like your bored with me. So I'm trying to change things around some. I'm sorry. But I do things the way I do things when I'm ready too. If I play things over and over. Who the *F* cares. That is who I am. Love me for me not for who you want me to become for yourself. I got to stop people pleasing and be me.
Lenon Freire
Lenon Freire 5 сарын өмнө
3 Signs You Are People Pleasing 1. A mismatch between what you're saying and the voice inside of your head 2. You're trying to get something without being explicit about it (covert contracts) 3. A difference in behavior between groups How to stop it * ask yourself "If I knew this person would handle it beautifully, I would ___." * review how to express your reasoning clearly * pay attention to consistent personality traits (to enjoy yourself without trying to get something from people)
Braeden McDaid
Braeden McDaid 5 сарын өмнө
My friend learned something new from this video after I showed her and now hopefully she'll learn to stop being a people pleaser and make sure to take care of her well being first before automatically helping others.
CS Comics
CS Comics 6 сарын өмнө
Can you do a video on how to explain a disability to someone? I just find it hard to do it without there being a really long silence...
DMP.TV 6 сарын өмнө
I'm just realising this. I absolutely am a people pleaser. I do everything in order to be liked. I don't wanna create tension in the conversation. I can see the disgust in peoples faces when i'm choosing for me. I fear that they won't like me anymore. That they will hate me for the rest of their life. That they will be dissapointent in me. That I owe them something in order to keep the balance of likeability. What happens to me in conversations is that I will crumble in my attitude. It's almost like i'm going back to a phetus position. I wanna run away and protect myself.
Ván 7 сарын өмнө
this is a good one!
XxMLGSWAGGERxX 7 сарын өмнө
i guess that im genuinely charismatic
The seven KINGS we love
The seven KINGS we love 6 сарын өмнө
That depends. If you're rude then no one will like you and if you're way too kind everyone will make use of you.
Jason Ong Himself
Jason Ong Himself 7 сарын өмнө
Great Content Thank you Coc too nice Don't be calculative Fake Soul Unleash your chari
Mihai-Valentin Duca
Mihai-Valentin Duca 7 сарын өмнө
Charlie, if someone uses the grey rock method with some people that are causing harm to them, do you think that he/she is fake? I think that he/she isn't
subzero 7 сарын өмнө
I find that I care so much about what strangers think. Its weird - the closer I get to someone the less I try and please them, because I'm more secure that they won't leave me. But I'm around "strangers" a lot of the time and everyone sees me as a pushover. I also find myself changing my personality around different groups but this isn't to please them, its more like different people bring out different aspects of myself and I'm not sure how to become more consistant in the way I act around people. A lot of people say I'm a genuine person though which further adds to my dilemma, I'm able to fake stuff well enough that they believe its real and now Im not sure whats real anymore.
YUNG NATE 7 сарын өмнө
Stop caring what others think of you. Say whats on your mind, if there’s something you dont wanna do dont do it and dont think about what others are thinking in the process. If you care about what others think then your seeking their validation, what others think is none of your business and if they dont like what you do then thats on them and has nothing to do with you.
Nick Zammuto
Nick Zammuto 9 сарын өмнө
Friendly Suggestion. Please master your audio to -16LUFS loudness. Having a steady fully present audio quality will make your channel more listenable in noisy environments. There are a lot of good plugins for this. My favorite is izotope RX.
john bines
john bines 9 сарын өмнө
This video was so, so very helpful. I have a freind of over 30 years who years ago opened a business in the west indies and after it didnt work out she came back to the states displaced... over the past 8 years shes moved from city to city with family- alternating with my apartment sometimes for a year or more at a time... needless to say my friend is back and has been here over a year and I allowed her to be so comfortable that she's taken over my room and bed and I'm sleeping on the couch in my own home because of her severe phobic fear of mice (I live in NYC and yes I sometimes get mice. I know she's in desperate need and shes found it hard (or hardly looking) to find work. I want to ask her to leave so I can have my home back to myself but I can't seem to find the right words to say and I fear she'll have no place to go. I suffer from neurotic people pleasing due to early childhood trauma and often times find any form.of confrontation unbearable and I'm looking for anything to help me formulate what to say and deal with the anxiety of the confrontation after aaking her to leave. This behavior has not served me well but I cant seem to change. No judgements please.
Minuka Rodrigo
Minuka Rodrigo 10 сарын өмнө
666th comment here
kookies actual cookies
kookies actual cookies 10 сарын өмнө
I can't stop people pleasing please tell me how to stop😭😭😭😭
Alex Amazeballs
Alex Amazeballs 10 сарын өмнө
Don't do things for people because you think it will make them like you. Chances are if it were the other way around nobody would do the same for you. Be selfish y'all. Peace out ✌.
Darwiis Khama
Darwiis Khama 10 сарын өмнө
First sign: click on this video
Mahammadou Tunkara
Mahammadou Tunkara Жилийн өмнө
Thank you
Krzysztof Lewandowski
Krzysztof Lewandowski Жилийн өмнө
The best part is when you’ve helped and didn’t expect anything in return and you got something.
Mike Lesesne
Mike Lesesne Жилийн өмнө
Guys who show off around females are simps and earn an immediate eye roll from me.😒
leyla g
leyla g Жилийн өмнө
i know that i am people pleasing but i just can't do anything against it. i just hate for other people to feel bad or embarrassed and that's also why i just can't say no. so i often do things i actually don't want to do and i am sick of it :( but i just can't help it.
Russ Glen
Russ Glen Жилийн өмнө
thank you for all of your hard work I really had a feeling but you have confirmed and help me overcome. thanks again keep up the great and selfless work
Reinhart Alvaro
Reinhart Alvaro Жилийн өмнө
To be brief what he's saying is basically be real and genuine. Don't be fake and don't be a snake
Solomon Tan
Solomon Tan Жилийн өмнө
So incredible how he made this video all in one take
DavidRomeRecording Жилийн өмнө
I've done some of these at times and have realized that I didn't set firm boundaries and stick to them. Once I did that I found it easy to stop.
JJ Gyzmo
JJ Gyzmo Жилийн өмнө
problems with being people pleasing? just get depressed! i never expect something in return when i do favors or stuff in general because my mind is telling me that i don't deserve anything anyway. problem solved, right? haha.... ha... fk me ^^"
Zennor Жилийн өмнө
Wtf is a personality trait?
Sound Gardener
Sound Gardener Жилийн өмнө
Sign 1: Watching this video. Sign 2: Reading this comment. Sign 3: You're currently smiling. Relax, and enjoy you being you: I sure am ;)
Good Girl
Good Girl Жилийн өмнө
The mum thing disturbed me
kw Жилийн өмнө
Man, this guy is so charismatic. I wonder where he got his skills?
Stephen Booth
Stephen Booth Жилийн өмнө
What my internal voice seems to be most telling me is that if I don't please people at work then my job is at risk. I work in IT, an area where both Autism Spectrum Disorder and Sociopathy have been found to be well above the population average. We're not talking Hannibal Lecter here but, certainly, most of the managers behave as if their staff are things to be used and discarded rather than people to be nurtured and developed. As well as my day job, I'm also the local union steward so have seen first hand how most of the managers treat staff who do not please them. People-pleasing has become a survival trait.
The Working Man
The Working Man Жилийн өмнө
This video is immensely helpful. Thank you!
Claudia Ethel Grace
Claudia Ethel Grace Жилийн өмнө
Why is people pleasing bad if it makes you happy? I haven't managed to build up any resentment in my life. I don't expect the same behaviour from other people. I just enjoy, pleasing. Anything wrong with that?
CaptPoco Жилийн өмнө
I like watching these on mute. With sound the images, facial expressions and body language can be overwhelming. This guy says so much with just his eyebrows!
Alej Random
Alej Random Жилийн өмнө
Rainbow O.
Rainbow O. Жилийн өмнө
I’m ridiculously pitiful.
Cricket fans presented to you by Irfan
Cricket fans presented to you by Irfan Жилийн өмнө
Your are amazing sir
LinYouToo Жилийн өмнө
There is a big difference between being nice and being kind. Nice people are some of the most angry, entitled and resentful people around. Lacking boundaries themselves they look to the outside and other people to behave according to their wishes and when they don’t they blame the other people instead of taking personal responsibility for what is right for them. In short, you can’t outsource your boundaries and how people treat you. That’s an inside job. It is not nice to say yes when you know you don’t want to. It is far more kind and loving to say no. Unfortunately so many nice people were conditioned to be unseen, unheard, and not understood-to be people pleasers. A second issue is projecting onto other people your own personal beliefs, values, and standards. I am always wary of people who use the word”should “ a lot.
Jason Doucette
Jason Doucette Жилийн өмнө
Love your videos, but this one is VERY quite.
the Smiling Kelly B.
the Smiling Kelly B. Жилийн өмнө
My inner voice was in mute for years so I felt lost in others' will. Then I was getting upset feeling betrayed after all this people pleasing. It's so nice you made a video for this!
Geoffrey Tester
Geoffrey Tester Жилийн өмнө
But how would you know the what to say as the compromise for any given situation that isn’t black or white. Say it’s not a group of people and it’s one person you secretly don’t like. It’s the fact you don’t have this answer which is WHY you fence sit in the first place. As always they leave this blank for lower mortals who are aren’t charismatic to figure out for ourselves while they take the credit for hinting at it’s So if someone says do you like this band I say I no I can’t stand them So you want to come out for s curry No I hate curry There you go I’m not an evil people pleaser 😎
Sweety the Southern Singer
Sweety the Southern Singer Жилийн өмнө
Uuhhhggg.......this hit close and hard. I'm in the autumn of my life and I'm *STILL* attempting to learn the difference between people pleasing and practicing kindness and treating people as I want to be treated. These videos are helping. For that I truly thank you.
Alex Knight
Alex Knight Жилийн өмнө
The second point. Covered contracts. This is something we all do in DAILY life. Sometimes it’s ok. Sometimes not. It’s VERY useful to start analyzing ourselves when we do it. Easy example is when we tell someone “I love you” mainly hoping to hear it back
J Badassowski
J Badassowski Жилийн өмнө
If I listened to my internal voice I'd be in prison so I'll keep people pleasing and pretend I'm completely normal 🤫
Alex Жилийн өмнө
Lol. It's not about them liking me. It's about me liking them.
sboulderickmam Жилийн өмнө
Is it too much to ask for when I do favors for my friend, what I ask for in return is reciprocation? Is it a form of covert contract?
Em Jane Vlogs
Em Jane Vlogs Жилийн өмнө
I’m a terrible people pleaser 😭😭 so is my dad. I’m commenting before watching this video... I hope this video helps me Edit: I am funnier and more talkative around certain people... but only those who I’m comfortable with. If I’m uncomfortable around someone, I’m pretty quiet. I’m not consistent with my personality but that’s anxiety :/
Heli Shah
Heli Shah Жилийн өмнө
I love this video, Charlie. It really opened my eyes and I realise I was once in that people pleasing mode but have worked out of it. I like making everyone feel comfortable around me and it's not specific to particular groups. But then sometimes I feel like I'm losing their respect in doing so...
Turbo Swordsman
Turbo Swordsman Жилийн өмнө
For that number 3 can someone explain that to me a bit better? Because I thought the way we build rapport quickly with someone is mirroring, meaning if they talk soft you talk soft, if there loud your loud and that will quickly build respect with that person, but now it seems like he is saying don’t do that?
Bill Peralta
Bill Peralta Жилийн өмнө
Underrated aspect about this channel: No cuts. Just one continuous take. That proves you really know what you’re talking about and can share this information with confidence and conviction. Excellent video as always :)
PurplePinkRed 2 сарын өмнө
@Michael Gomez That's the exact point. I've watched many of his videos, and he has fantastic insights on a variety of charisma related topics and really does know what he's talking about.
Michael Gomez
Michael Gomez 2 сарын өмнө
To be fair, he does it quite frequently
Naej Жилийн өмнө
Can we talk about the fact that he did it in one cut ?
thelucianiancu EVL
thelucianiancu EVL Жилийн өмнө
Put more volum to ur videos, seriously, just a lil bit :)
Jelow Жилийн өмнө
I am only people pleasing when it's like a distant relative or someone I don't really know because if your visiting some old friends and they ask for help Refusing just because you don't want to would be unnmannerly
Its Abzer
Its Abzer Жилийн өмнө
You have to be a people pleaser when youre broke. This is honestly one of my biggest reasons for why I want to make get rich, so I can finally stop caring about what others think of me and just be myself wherever with whoever no matter how much more superior they feel.
Wilfredo Manglapus
Wilfredo Manglapus Жилийн өмнө
All of your videos are great! I have to point out one thing in this one, specifically when you mentioned having consistent personality traits among all groups/situations you are in. Although true to an extent, it is well-known in psychology and sociology of the concept of different "social selves", where it is perfectly normal to show different aspects of our personality depending on the setting and the people we are around. It's a very interesting topic that would require more reading, but wanted to point that out! So don't feel like you are fake if you see yourself acting "different" in one social group vs. another, as long as you don't feel like you are not acting like yourself.
kt Жилийн өмнө
i find your videos really interesting but i do feel like the language you use is often very heteronormative and directs the advice towards men
Peace, Love and Guns
Peace, Love and Guns Жилийн өмнө
I read this as " 3 Signs You Are Pleasing People." That changes the context entirely.
Peace, Love and Guns
Peace, Love and Guns Жилийн өмнө
PaSsIoNaTePuGrL This is accurate.
PaSsIoNaTePuGrL Жилийн өмнө
Peace, Love and Guns 🤓
Dan Жилийн өмнө
This is such a huge problem for me.
Silverburstnelson Жилийн өмнө
Thank you. Your videos really help me.
Lucila Жилийн өмнө
i get distracted easily by your smile, it's beautiful
hi hello
hi hello Жилийн өмнө
Is this a personal attack or something??
Phil L.
Phil L. Жилийн өмнө
I actually can't hear my own voice over my internal voice
agent G 021
agent G 021 Жилийн өмнө
Would this still apply to people who tend to do the opposite: High energy with friends but calm around people I want to impress
Rachel M
Rachel M Жилийн өмнө
I’m a quiet and shy person and I’m trying to be a little bit more confident but the problem is that my confidence and funniness seem so fake to me. Also there’s this guy I like and I don’t know if I’m doing it for him or not. I mean, I want to be more confident anyways but I think I’m starting to be more confident to stand out to him. 🤷‍♀️ (Thank you for letting me vent internet)
chris_chrzy Жилийн өмнө
How the hell is not people pleasing supposed to work in a regular (boring) office job.
k. Жилийн өмнө
being internally honest yet also optimistic. dont do things out of fear. expect the best and be realistic
Amanda Galloway
Amanda Galloway Жилийн өмнө
This was one of the most original and useful techniques I’ve ever heard about understanding your own personality. Thanks.
Abdealii Жилийн өмнө
Charisma on command😎👑
Helen Rowlett-Barbu
Helen Rowlett-Barbu Жилийн өмнө
I have to disagree with that last point. A lot of different groups of people absolutely and unforgivingly expect you to act differently around them, and there is no getting around this.
Mimi Wey
Mimi Wey Жилийн өмнө
I’m so awkward, not in a quirky way, but genuinely awkward. I hate it.
Danielle B
Danielle B Жилийн өмнө
So is it lacking in charisma if you do nice things without an expectation of some kind of payback but get hurt when someone doesn't say thank you? Does that count as an expectation?
MANDO TORRES Жилийн өмнө
Ah yes, being assertive Is a good challenge. Tit for Tat is the name of the game!
S M Жилийн өмнө
You remind me of The Riddler from Gotham.
Nick Жилийн өмнө
What’s the opposite of this? Because the only people I can be great around are people I don’t need to like me.
7 Star General Dipshit De Turd
7 Star General Dipshit De Turd Жилийн өмнө
If you are doing things for someone you don't need to be doing just so that person likes you then STOP IT! It makes them actually NOT respect you or your time. Respecting and taking care of yourself will make others respect and care for you.👍
KittySnicker Жилийн өмнө
But people would hate me if I said the things in my head 😂😂😂
Jack Kaczmarski
Jack Kaczmarski Жилийн өмнө
You look like Brendon Urie
sa3doZ 22
sa3doZ 22 Жилийн өмнө
OK.. Here is a thing (didn't finish the video yet) if am talking to someone that I don't want to talk to and I am not interested not one bit of what he wants or what he is talking about.. But I can't leave because I am afraid that I would break that person's heart.. Is that people pleasing??
MrDragoon334 Жилийн өмнө
What about if you're fun and funny with people, but quiet and depressed without people?
IDKHOW to not love 5sos !
IDKHOW to not love 5sos ! Жилийн өмнө
Yesterday in the middle of school I horrifically realized that I'm so used to doing this very thing that when my ears hear 'can I...', without my brain even catching up with the question or sometimes even letting the person finish the question I find that my mouth has already said 'Sure' and vice versa when my ears hear a person start a sentence with 'would you like...' or more likely 'Do you want...' my mouth is already saying 'No thanks' and more and more I find that not even a second later I look like a deer in headlights and regretting my answer because either 'no you absolutely cannot' or actually 'yes I would like some' but I feel way to embarrassed to actually correct myself
Be Mans
Be Mans Жилийн өмнө
claritarejoice Жилийн өмнө
This channel is therapy
Maggot Meatballz
Maggot Meatballz Жилийн өмнө
From all the ppl wanting to stay at your place you're going to send YOUR OWM MOTHER to a hotel?? The woman that gave birth to you? The one who carried you around in her belly for NiNe MONTHS?!
Iona Жилийн өмнө
“Members of the opposite sex that you are attracted to” Woah, gotta be careful there buddy. Inclusiveness and all, this is 2019. ❤️🧡💛💚💙💜
Jonathan Mayes
Jonathan Mayes Жилийн өмнө
Everything we do in life, is to people please so people like us, respect us; want to give us raises, want to have babies with us, want to hang around with us. Whether that be enjoying talking to a checkout guy in a shop, or taking to your ceo, the fact is you want to walk away thinking that person liked you, and you do that by developing a personality. And we all got one, and we use it for one reason- to people please so that people like us and we can get through life easier.
Maryam Golmeymi
Maryam Golmeymi Жилийн өмнө
What should an introvert does!?
Sam Жилийн өмнө
(He probably won’t respond to this but I’m commenting it anyways.) So I have a friend, we’re “best friends, you could say. We’ve known each other for 4 years and we’re pretty alike. We are pretty much inseparable, and whenever people we know think “best friends”, they think us. She’s always been so kind and caring, she took care of me when I lost a loved one and was always there for me through hard times. However, once in a blue moon, I notice she says very subtle signs of not liking me. Usually it goes something like this: “oh, I’m so exited that I’ve started to work on poetry. It’s really a powerful art form.” “Oh, I’ve tried it. I don’t like it, it’s kinda boring.” She seems to not care, but she’s kind. The rudest thing she’s ever done is say “people think I’m skinny because I’m an hourglass figure.” I know she probably didn’t mean any harm, but she knows I’ve had issues with starving myself in the past. She’s almost always the most caring friend I could dream of, so I try as hard as I can to keep her happy. She was sad, I brought her flowers, a card, and made her tea. She was cold, I gave her all my blankets and I slept on my couch so she could have my bed. I don’t want to let her go, but I don’t know what I should do. Help? I need advice from someone :( Edit: omg this is an essay of a paragraph
Neha Shoaib
Neha Shoaib Жилийн өмнө
Can you do a video on hannah baker from 13 reasons why
n o v s k i
n o v s k i Жилийн өмнө
Woof... I had this before. Before I always think I have to comment in every channel and videos that I watch but now I only comment when I want to.
Cordilleran Adam
Cordilleran Adam Жилийн өмнө
Your hair is distracting me
Anggoro Gede Waseso
Anggoro Gede Waseso Жилийн өмнө
What if i unintentionally/i guess subconsciously? do the Third Point of the video backward? in group i would crack jokes, which i do every time im in a group, but when i'm alone with another person, specifically a girl, i wouldn't do it as often?
Ali Taha
Ali Taha Жилийн өмнө
Recently this guy at a my work place asked if i could drop him off at a train station that would be a Hustle for me. So i said no, then he asked can u take me to another station thats less of an hustle. I said "fine" then realised i had to let him know it was a one time favour otherwise he'll start to expect it and the next day i wasn't wrong. He asked again and i said dead flat "no" then he started giving me his situation to feel guilt. Yet, i ignored it because his inconvenience not mine. O.o
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